Online Marketing Savannah GA
"I have an appointment to see the king," I said.
"Right this way, sir." The portly usher bustled off with shocking rapidity. I was uncomfortably far behind when he finally halted in front of the conference room door. As I drew closer at full trot, it swept open to reveal a round glass table strewn with the accoutrements of government. Around the table were the requisite functionaries of the kingdom, but which was the king? The usher quickly solved the mystery by loudly introducing me to the group. "THE MAN FROM Y.U.C.K., YOUR EXCELLENCIES."
"Ah, at last we meet!" exclaimed the elegantly bearded fellow seated at the far edge, almost obscured by piles of files, loose papers and a large bowl of nuts. As he sprang up , his chair spinning behind him, it was apparent that the man was completely naked. A long, awkward pause ensued. My expression undoubtedly exposed my own wide-eyed shock, while the King's cabinet members gazed at me with real anguish, or unable to deal with the awful reality, shielded their response with an embarrassed hand to the forehead.Suddenly the King was in my personal space, extending a fleshy hand. "Great to see you, my boy," he bellowed, "I'm the king around here. Looking forward to hearing all your great ideas for my kingdom!"
"M-m-my, uh, the pleasure is mine…?" I stammered.
But let me back up for a second.
I work for Y.U.C.K., Your Ultimate Consultants for Kingdoms. Our specialty is helping fiefdoms become more competitive and more successful. We work mainly with kings and queens but also some prime ministers, dukes and duchesses and the occasional crown prince or princess. Online marketing is just one of our many helpful strategies.
We share best practices and ideas from state of the art dictatorships, tyrannies, constitutional monarchies and even local manors. Our goal is to get rulers thinking about being the best possible government, turning their sour serfs into delighted denizens, and at the same time outperform the duchies and domains around them.
So here I was. Not off to a good start. This king had obviously gotten some bad advice. Might as well go for it, I thought.
"With all due respect, sire," I said with a slight bow, "You're not wearing any clothes. May I suggest that we begin our consultations with the dismissal of your tailor?" Ahead of me was either gallows or glory.
To my surprise, the gamble paid off. The red-faced king scuttled out of the room and returned a short while later wearing a Duke sweatshirt and a pair of relaxed-fit jeans. While he was out, I received profuse apologies and gratitude from the various members of the cabinet.
Then we got down to work.
"First topic," I pontificated, "tell me how you set your kingdom's goals for the coming year."
The first to venture was the Minister of Streets and Alleyways. "We like a sort of 'Dreamy' approach."
"Yes, and 'Undefined.' We keep an open mind about what could happen," added the Minister of Victuals and Libations.
From the opposite side of the round table, the burly Chief Justice growled, "We like Massive goals. We think big around here, you know."
As I wrote each suggestion on the Royal Whiteboard, it became clear that this kingdom definitely needed Y.U.C.K.'s help. "Dreamy, Undefined and Massive," I pointed to each word, "That spells something, does it not?"
The king: "Yes, of course- D-U-M. Spells dum. Ah, ha, ha! Dum, like my ex-tailor," he chortled, still self-conscious about the sartorial faux pas.
Me: "What you need are goals that are SMART. Let’s try this on for size." On the board I wrote:
As we discussed the possibilities of SMART goals in an overall online marketing context, The Town Crier peeked in. We invited him to pull up a chair which he nervously did, eyes to the floor and head down. In a second or two I had examined him thoroughly and found him disheveled, unkempt and generally wanting for the least of hygienic attentions. The convened officials noticed my consternation and encouraged him to explain.
His voice preserved the remnants of a once rich and resonant instrument of news, propaganda and kingdom gossip. His bleary eyes traveled over the table and fixed upon mine as he spoke. "I've had nothing to do for these past three years," he croaked, "Not a thing. I just sit in my office and dream of the old days when I was the mouthpiece of the kingdom. Everyone listened to me. I was somebody…" He trailed off into a whisper.
Quickly I went into action. "Get this man a computer!" I demanded, "We are about to bring back a growth strategy that many have left for dead, but it's very much alive!"
As the ensuing chaos ebbed, I made my case. "Email Marketing, people. For the love of the kingdom, your Town Crier is not done! So many kingdoms have abandoned this trusty, adaptable and still-effective way of getting the word out." I turned to the Crier. "You sir, have a job to do. Get access to the kingdom database and start selling!"
He turned and strode out of the room a new man.
"Now," I said, "There's more to do. You need CONTENT. Don't let any of your neighbors set the agenda. Leave no questions about your kingdom unanswered- by YOU!
"Now, who have you got that has something positive about this kingdom?"
The blank stares were an ominous sign. I let the question hang there.
At last the Jester spoke. "Ohhhhhh, Allll riiiight," he moaned. "I'll give it a try. But it might not be 100% true."
"Ninety percent?" I offered.
"Deal." And the Jester went off to brainstorm blog topics with a curiously shod cat that had been languidly polishing (licking) his boots in the corner.
There was one last item on my agenda. Y.U.C.K. Has always been on the forefront of kingdom promotion and development, invited by the best of realms to improve their standing in attracting pilgrimages, state visits and faraway journeys. This place had a lot going for it, and I knew that this last piece of online marketing advice would get them over the top.
But I knew they would hate the idea.
"Now listen up everyone. I know this won't be easy for you, but you've got to stick with it. You need The Bird.
Howls of protest:
"No! That bird brings nothing but doom and gloom!"
"We hate that thing- all he does is give everyone a chance to disrespect our king and kingdom!"
"Ladies and gentlemen, please," I soothed. "I know it's difficult, but hear me out. When you are dealing with birds as you know, there is always possibility of being shat upon. But think about it. Everyone- and I mean everyone- hears the voice of the Tweet. Cooperate with the Bird and you'll become the envy of all.
"Manage the bad. Leverage the good. The Bird makes you honest about yourselves. When you hear those negative tweets, respond quickly and with altruism. Subjects can smell fake sincerity leagues away."
I gave it my best shot. I left them with all the tools they need to gain a toehold in a better market position; it's up to the king and his cabinet now. SMART Goals. Content. Social Media. The Town Crier firing off emails to a mass audience.
Maybe the king will make Emperor someday.
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